As of late I’ve been struggling with my ability to focus on my projects and overall creative process.

One of the detriments of dealing with SFSU as an institution was their interference in my personal affairs. This resulted in me pulling the LIFE page from The Acid Drip.

I had to bend the knee to institutional pressure.

And if you know me, personally, you know that’s the kind of thing which is most likely to piss me off.

Without going down that rabbit hole—again—I’ll move to the next point of all this. It’s been some 9 months since I’ve really written anything completely for the site and most of the articles I have saved as drafts are half-baked rants. A lot if it has to do with my new understanding of “Teleological Discourse” which is kinda a vague buzz-word jargon.

Oxford says this about Teleological.

To me, a more functional definition has to relate to systems of morality (which are theological and deist) versus systems of ethics (which are rational and atheistic).

I’m not going to go too deep into the “purpose” or “constitution” of Teleological Discourse here; I have several articles languishing in my drafts folder which address this. I’ll get to those soon.

What I do want to address is some of the influence which has come from the synthesis of this understanding and where I am headed now.

Hansel Tomaneng was a friend who recently passed. Most of our conversations were about, what comes next. In the literal sense, like “hey man we’re doing season 3 of LFG this summer.” To a more metaphysical sense, like” what is the meaning/purpose/outcome of this work, why am I doing the things I am doing?”

With Hansel’s passing, a significant counter-weight to my searching has been lost. Hansel was a friend and a mentor, despite his demons (and he has several) he understood what mattered most. Whenever he was found questioning his orientation, his cardinal north so to speak, he was able to mediate and center himself through prayer. I’m trying to take that up as well, something to slow down the pace of my mind and center myself more deeply on the issues I have yet to fully manifest a grasp of.

There is a material hunger within my stomach. But not necessarily in my soul. Though there is a hunger in my soul, it is less of material wants and more of a desire of recognition. They say every artist struggles with being seen, recognized and having their work validated.

While most artists will state they make their art for themselves, this isn’t quite functionally true.

All art, if it is meaningful, has to communicate. Which inherently requires there to be two individuals at a minimum to constitute a work as something artistic.

With this thread of continuity established, it becomes impossible to recognize something as art if it does not seek to communicate with others, which inherently contradicts the sentiments of most artists on a conventional level of analysis. Really, I think what an artist means when they say “I don’t make my art with an audience in mind” is something more along the lines of “I make my art irrespective of the audiences comments but respective of the audiences desires.” Which is a difficult needle to thread, it’s basis of judgment and comes down to an understanding of aesthetics.

Which means art, true art in service of communication, synthesizes Judgment (both Teleological and Rational) and Individual Aesthetics (both style of the artist and a communal sense of style). Two forms of synthesis, then combined into meta-synthesis. And all of this thinking only serves to pull you out of the moment (at least it does for me). When I am pulled out, that is when the material hunger strikes. Because it seeks comfort food, something which will appease the deep instinctual drive towards creativity on a superficial level. A sort of Oragel for a canker sores of the soul.

And yet it does not suffice.

The material hunger, sated by material means, does not relent. However, the spiritual hunger, sated by spiritual means sates all wants and thirsts. Hansel had this figured out, but it came after 49 years of difficulty and suffering. I’m trying to skip some of that. A foolish-man never learns from his mistakes. The smart-man learns from his mistakes. But it is the wise-man who learns from the mistakes of others.

One of the things I am working on is, not caring what others think. Ignoring the spotlight effect, so to speak.

Ironically, that actually worked against me in regards to my website. Which is a little bit interesting (for my ego to say the least) but ultimately irrelevant.

So for material hungers, let’s list them out and—hopefully—air out some of this stagnancy.

1) I want to build a magic commander deck based around Ragavan, Nimble Pilferer.

It’s stupid but sometimes fun to play commander with friend. I’d like to own one good deck and let the rest be. Red has been my oldest single favorite color. In college I used to play a lot of black (for meta reasons and I love me a good phyrexian obliterator + gray merchant combo). And as a kid, I played big dumb green monsters. But red seems the most fun.

2) I’d like to build a 40 customized Raven Guard army.

I like the Raven Guard, even though when I take the HH Legion Quiz I get White Scars, because of the old school Kaayvan Shrike art. While the new model is something of a gimmick, I love the design of Phobos armor and want to build a custom army entirely around the phobos pattern. Basically converting everything and making a special first company which deploys everything in phobos pattern. Even heavy intercessors would be converted from gravis to phobos (as would aggressors). It would be a fluffy army. Something of a pet project and ultimately self-indulgent in a cathartic manner.

And They Shall Know No Shame.

3) I would like to learn more “classic rock” (Iron Maiden, Motorhead, Thin Lizzy, AC/DC and Led Zeppelin) on guitar.

I feel like I have slacked on my guitar playing. I want to try and push things a bit harder and go into the realm of death metal (like Carnifex, Suicide Silence and some proper Death) but as it is, I think I need to take a step back and work on something simpler with the intent of finishing what I start. Which really means limiting what I’m trying to learn to a few specific songs.

Iron Maiden — The Trooper

Motorhead — Iron Fist // Overkill // Bomber // Ace of Spades

Thin Lizzy — Wild One

AC/DC — Back in Black // Hell’s Bells

Led Zeppelin — Over the Hills and Far Away // Good Times Bad Times // Heartbreaker

Ozzy Osbourne — Crazy Train

I’ve tried learning a lot over the years and really it doesn’t amount to much because I am simply playing guitar in my room, sitting at my computer—by myself. Which sucks. Music is communal and I’ve never been good at that part of it. And it shows. So it’s best I simplify what I’m doing and just try to have some common ground with basic rock music. I don’t need to keep these covers sharp but it would be cool to learn the cover, play over a jam track and post it on youtube. Then maybe I’ll feel a bit better about my musical foundation.

But really I think it’s also a bit of imposter syndrome. There’s always more to learn. Even as I write this short list, I have a million more songs I want to add. “Ohh that one’s good too!!” and my mind wanders off listing everything I want to do without any real focus or discipline. Which is a bit of a nightmare. Black Sabbath comes to mind, then the Doors and Pink Floyd. Thrash metal kicks down the door, Metallica, Megadeth and a bit of Slayer. Then the 90’s kick in Slipknot, Godsmack, Alice in Chains. Then the 2000s want to sucker punch me, Strapping Young Lad, Mastodon, Lamb of God, Killswitch Engage, Devil Driver, Meshuggah and Tool.

It’s literally too much and drains my energy, causing me to hesitate and second guess. So the goal has to become more focused and my efforts applied to a limited task.

Pick and choose and leave the rest to be laid to rest. That just the best bet. Otherwise I’m just taking shots in the dark at things which will never fully manifest and the frustration of not finishing my work is so much more painful than any thing else. It saps my confidence and leaves me in that state of imposter syndrome. It really doesn’t matter what I learn as long as I commit and just fucking learn it front to back.

I’d like to go back to Todd Kimbal, take more jazz lessons.

I’d like to go back to Chris Lee and work on my heavy metal.

I’d like to go back to CSM and work with Noah Buchanan and learn more figure drawing.

The list goes on and it is mind-numbing. Never-mind my fitness goals which are also demanding. So it’s essential that I pick and choose and leave the rest to be laid to rest. And I think that’s what Hansel was trying to teach me. I had such a native ability to understand and perceive the things around me, and he understood that. But Hansel was also pushing me to try and curb my appetites and pick—even if somewhat arbitrarily—what I want most and commit.

My Uncle Mike, was driving me to do the same. I owe him a visit and an explanation, but that is for another time.

So much comes to mind and the clarity of writing again helps breath life into these tasks while also drawing them into focus.

None of these even addresses the artwork I am trying to complete (digital and paper), let alone the work for Season 3 of LFG which will be a monstrous undertaking as it is. Likely it will be 12 episodes with some deep dives (a new short-feature segment for the project). That alone is more than Season 1 + 2 combined. And this all has to happen in a span of 3 months. I do not think I will accept a summer school placement. I think taking time away from work, even at the expense of my savings, is my best bet. It’s really the only thing that will allow me to focus with the level of energy I need. I’ve put so much into my work in the last four years and without any significant break. I think it is time to reflect and work on other horizons. Other prospects and enable myself to enjoy my work and not merely work for income. That will happen in the Fall and Spring.

It will be difficult but I will be compensated and I will have the means, eventually, to move out and live on my own. I will have the means to Self-Direct, Self-Regulate and ultimately Self-Determine my own outcomes. But only if I work for it.

I think, with focus, mindfulness, discipline, meditation, exercise and a bit of prayer—I can do all of this. It just takes time but time will be on my side if I take my time.

And maybe a little playfulness won’t hurt—too much.

And maybe this will help me be less transactional with other people. I think this is something I really have to work on. It’s something new I have observed within myself. A sort of expectation for outcomes rather than simply doing something for the sake of it. I think if I can get back to my roots, by doing simple little things largely for myself, I’ll be less bitter with others. And the transitory nature of life, the arbitrariness of it all, will be less bothersome for me. And maybe I’ll learn to laugh at myself again.

That’s something Hansel had mastered. The ability to laugh at himself, his foolishness and so forth. When I was at the funeral, people talked about “The Hansel Chuckle.” Like he had the means to take all the false pretense, all the piss and vinegar out of someone and bring them back down to earth.

I need that.

I really need to work on that. It’s the only thing that will redeem me and curb the worst of my appetites. Enabling me to humor my lesser angels and humble my greater demons.

But only if I’m honest about it and willing to work on things.

To put first order priorities first and lay everything else—the anger, the resent, and bitterness—to rest.

And find that old creative playfulness.

Thank you for your time,

– Keenan Fry (4/9/24)