This is it. Fourteen weeks until graduation.
September 11 as I am drafting this. Grinding my way through all of the final burrs, trying to clear these last few hurdles.
I went to the Lost to the Void show on Saturday, Voidfest II. It was cool seeing everyone there to celebrate the release of the album, Embrace in Disgust. Casey has grown since I last saw him live in 2017 at the Catalyst when Lost opened for Within the Ruins. I have a feeling it’ll be a short window of time before they are on the same level or are greater than WtR.
And like in my last post, Long Way Home, I felt a pang of jealousy. Casey and they guys are out on tour, second album under their belt. And they really have the momentum I think to finally take the next step and escape some of this rat-race.
But I have to remind myself of my own accomplishments.
This Master’s Degree, it’s no small feat. I’ve managed to pull out ahead of the crowd in a way. While my peers in the program regard me as little more than a gimmick, I think I have more than shown my legitimacy.
The part that feels out of place is that, I really don’t fit into the role of a TVI, an academic or as a Death Metal Gutter Punk anymore.
Of what remains is, well, unaffiliated.
Or is that the case?
LFG is on its way. People are engaging with the ideas the platform represents and I think they feel, on some level, that there is an underlying truth to the platform. This is because unlike other projects it is entirely centered around other people, bringing them in and giving the world a serving of their slice of life. As long as the platform remains centered outside of itself (on the guests and not the hosts) I think it stands a chance of lasting the test of time.
As for myself, the time spent trying to get my own projects off the ground has been extraordinarily painful. That is, trying to keep up this personal production cycle while also attending to matters of school. Balancing anything more than the two would be impossible at this time. I’m not good enough as TVI (in regards to braille and certain aspects of AT) to really cut it flying solo. That said I also need to really immerse myself into assessment protocol for the four pillars of the TVI profession, FVA, LMA, AT and ECC evaluations.
As Brent Hinds once said, I stopped practicing a while ago and started playing instead.
That’s where I’m at now. The game is real and I have doubled-down and everything rides on this.
There is no way out—but—there is a way forward.
Besides LFG I have managed to manifest another competency. My pen and ink art is flourishing. Though it is slow and painstaking, I have managed to build quite the portfolio in the span of 14-months. I remember when I heard the news of Colin, it happened on the 4th of July but I heard it just after my mother fell and broke her wrist and humerus. I was in a rough place and my father was on a summer white-water-rafting trip. The first week of her care was on my shoulders—though to my Aunt Cheryl’s credit, she was there to take Julie to the hospital when she fell, I was in the Garden of Eden trying to enjoy some time away for my responsibilities.
After my father returned home, I took a trip to Tahoe, to really take time for myself. For the first three days I was under a crippling depression and undergoing a small panic attack/emotional break down. Everything had worn on me until I was barely still cobbled together. But after a about four days I started drawing. Working on ink transfers. Really trying to push the transfers and polish the graphic Notan aesthetic into a final matte layer finish.
In the last 14 months I have finished something like 30 of these Notan Transfers. And while the figure expression is in-fact a transfer, the full graphic detail of the form (the turning of the form) is entirely free hand. By simplifying my process, using transfer techniques to establish the composition, I was able to focus my attention on describing form details. This form sense has improved my overall abilities and have given to a legitimate skill. With some compositional practice I would likely be able to complete my own drafts entirely from a live reference and truly have a stake in the figure drawing world. Largely being self-taught save for two semesters with Noah Buchanan at the College of San Mateo.
If such is the case, then the future holds a horizon for me which I have yet to bear witness to.
And that is simply the outcome of my comic book art. That does not really address my original graphic and abstract art.
With those come new opportunities as I have engaged with a larger audience and community through LFG and trying to engage with the San Jose scene again.
My music remains to be discussed but I too holds prospects, depending on whether or not I can really push the horizon of my 7th chord chops. That is entirely contingent on my own self-determination. I now have the resource I needed to pursue that avenue. If that manifests it’s due to my own drive.
Next comes my writing, which to the point this serves (to an extent). But other reflections are needed.
After some extended, quarrel, with the department it appears I have their blessing. And this comes after their issued concerns were brought to my ears by hushed and muttered utterances of an certain disaffected individual. I can only guess who… ha ha ha ha ha
That said, their was some reasonability to their concerns which I respected and in-turn addressed.
My real depth of written expression has languished for sometime in a binder of scribbled notes, hatched cross-sheets of scraps and some amount of typeset drafts. Yet this has yet to manifest as Windbreath. A manuscript is owed but not yet owned. Which means I have more work to do. And it will get done, much like my coursework, in time as appropriate.
I feel it in my bones. The tide is finally lifting and this hermitage has finally ended. Or its end at least appears to be at hand. So one would hope.
And so there is little to be jealous of.
Rather I am reminded to celebrate the success of others.
LFG is the place to celebrate the success of others. Season 3 is going to be bigger and likely more produced. It needs to be, we need the growth. I think for a deep dive, we are going to bring Mike Jones (Utter Scorn and Lost to the Void) in to talk about the tour. There’s talk with many others, Deliria, Waste Walker, Dawn of Ouroboros and Dead Redwoods are all on my list. Hopefully we can get some SKA like Shark Punch and others on as well. As much as I love the heavy stuff, I’d like to keep the guest diversified so it keeps the show fresh.
We have a line of people already ready to talk to us, and I’m going to make a point of following though. However difficult it is, since well, this is my way of offering something back to them. And hopefully they warm to the idea. And if they don’t, well, fuck ’em. Didn’t need ’em in the first place anyways ha ha ha ha ha!!
Despite Exhaustion Always Dream.
– Keenan