This is another maintenance post. The purpose being to maintain my focus and keep on a path which threads the needle. One which is the knifes edge fulcrum and on either side is something approximating doom.
That’s not to be melodramatic but rather self-aware. On either side is failure, only in the center is the path.
Sometimes the fear comes to me, am I doing enough. Have I truly wrung the cloth of sweat. I ask myself this.
I have to carry the boats and the logs. If I do not carry these burdens, no one else will.
What does all of this mean to me?
That I have to make the choice to accomplish what is offered before me.
If you want to do 4,000 pull-ups you have to do 67,000 pull-ups in practice.
So let’s start with the immediate and more pressing of items on the TO DO list.
I have to write a review for Ellen, my boss, which reviews the needs, strengths and offers recommendations for our student (codename “Socks”).
I have to complete a written reflection post for my Issues of Special Needs class.
I have to review several readings and various documents for my Issues of Special Needs class.
I have to complete an assessment reflection for my Transition Preparation class.
I have to complete a secondary written reflection for my Transition Preparation class.
I have to write a review of a case study written by a fellow student teacher for my Student Teaching class
I have to prep for other associated work (IEP reviews) related to a documentation project for my Student Teaching class
I have to prepare materials for my students so that I can make an impact on their progress and development.
The last of these items, requires considerable time. This is because I am a volunteer TVI as of now. Initially, the perspective agreement was something of the order to be $80 an hour while working to clear my credential. However, that arrangement has—to be fair—been eroded by circumstance into nearly nothing. At this present moment, I am hoping to be reimbursed for my gas but that stands to be completed (I have to complete a W-9, so this too is on me).
The point being, since my time is effectively “free” to the district, which means it’s worthwhile for me to really put in this time with the students to ensure a form of measurable progress is made.
To do so, I have begun to integrate myself with some of the teaching staff.
Likely the next step will be to escalate this integration once the remaining dredges of Administrative Paperwork is complete to enable my FSUSD email. Once I have a district email, it will be significantly easier to integrate within the district since all communications will be across closed lines of access. I believe this will enable me to rapidly acquire service hours beyond the 400 threshold which is required fro my graduation.
My intent is to jump-start student progress on IEP goals. Several of the students are facing upcoming Triennial IEP Reviews and it appears appropriate to put forth this effort to ensure a foothold is established when these new goals are applied, or to advance existing goals which require subsequent support to become accepted as complete.
These tasks are my 67,000 pull-ups.
And I will complete this task by December, so that I may graduate and continue this journey into the next phase.
What lies beyond this task, what is this next phase?
Some people try to justify their behavior. What has happened to them—justifies—what they do unto others.
Others with heavy hearts will lay to rest old grudges, after the first shot fired becomes long forgotten.
That does not mean the cycle of violence will be broken.
But it does mean, that a man’s own efforts can be applied to not becoming that hand which turns the wheel—nor the feet which march blindly into death.
I believe I have to overcome part of myself.
I believe there is something on the other side of this. Eternity is waiting for me, if I can just get this present moment right and fulfill my duties.
Sapere Aude—I dare to know what else there is beyond this moment.
For sometime I have been struggling with the voice inside my head.
It tells me things I do not want to hear (like don’t buy Astra Militarum — Unbroken, dude you just spent some $$$ on minis already). That’s the voice in my head telling me things I don’t want to hear but need to hear. More stuff = more baggage and I’m trying to dump baggage right now.
Jokes aside, sometimes, the voice tells me really dark things I don’t need to hear.
Things of fear. Like that of doubt.
There are times where the doubt is nearly all consuming.
It’s hard to remember when it takes such a long time despite our lives being such a short time.
So it’s times like these that it’s essential to take that step back and give voice not to the fear or doubt but to the nature of those fears and doubts.
Because fear is like fire.
And if I wish to achieve my dreams I must learn to harness that fear, like fire, and use it to build for myself. And maybe if I am fortunate, for the family I may one day be lucky enough to father.
So what are these fears that so haunt me?
We just wrapped Season 2 of LFG and it took over 200 hours to produce 9 episodes (8 have been released, the 9th will come out over the Christmas holidays).
LFG is not about me, and I’ve made every point I could at every opportunity I’ve had, to NOT make it about me.
However the Acid Drip is about me and I’ve received quite a bit of push back on TAD. It’s made life difficult for me and without getting into the details of it, I cannot continue operating the site in the manner I have in the past. As of now this entire page is under password protection and literally no one can read this document. Not to say many people were reading my work—though I can say it felt like a win when I got an Anonymous complaint from the University about one of the older articles from 2021.
Going forward I have to move towards a merchandising platform which will enable this site to thrive. The additional traffic from a meaningfully executed e-commerce store will in-fact reflect the growth and overall shift in values I am now attempting to espouse. This site must become self-sustaining as must I.
Sometimes that very idea, self-sufficiency, scares the shit out of me. It means the adoption of greater responsibility and at times I feel it threatens the scum-bag gutter-punk attitude which built this platform and enfranchised my ideas. I almost feel as if success is a threat to my authenticity.
Which is why LFG is so important. Because LFG is not about me, I am beholden to others.
With the Acid Drip there is a certain amount of a “Fuck Off” attitude. That’s the whole Death-Metal attitude I’ve been Living with for some great amount of time.
It’s that attitude which makes LFG interesting. Which makes my art compelling. My writing cutting. My music completing.
And yet it doesn’t really fit like it used to.
And in many cases works against me.
Fueling fear though rage.
And furthering my own failures, by drawing me back into old mistakes and patterns.
That is the true voice of doubt which haunts me seeks to drown me in an undertow of guilt.
It makes me question if I will ever write a record that will matter, let alone even record a single record.
It makes me question if I will ever finish my Windbreath trilogy. All 1200 or so pages.
It makes me question if I will ever finish my other book, “The Peninsula.”
It makes me question if I will ever finish learning my iii-vi-ii-V-I progressions in all 12 keys.
It makes me question if I will ever finish Giant Steps in all 12 keys. Or learn all those death metal songs I spent years transcribing and practicing.
It makes me question if I will ever have a financially successfully business and recover from all of this investment I have made so far.
It makes me question if I will ever have the chance to make things work with her. That is if there will ever be anything at all in the first place.
It makes me question if I will have that family I spoke of before. If I would be able to complete all this work while perform all the duties associated with being a good (not perfect) father.
It makes me question myself about everything. Every little choice I make. Every action I take.
When I’m tired, I feel like I have never done enough.
When I’m resting, I feel like I have not earned the moment of respite.
After all, if Sloth is the Enemy of Greatness, then maybe all this work is what it is I need to be doing.
I think this is the battle most worth fighting for, even if it’s a losing one. It’s worth the fight, since it’s the honorable way to go.
And somewhat, I dodge the issue, since I was supposed to work and instead wrote this.
But I have some notes I can supply to my boss Ellen and I’ll do so then sleep.
For tomorrow is Kayaking and I really want to enjoy that. So, I’ll be typing for a minute more and then hitting the bed. Because those kids are relying on me being ready for tomorrow.
For now, though, it is enough to remember…
Despite Exhaustion Always Dream.
– Keenan Fry